Edited to add the video with subtitles:
Theresa May today released possibly the most vapid speech by a Prime Minister in living memory. It was a poorly composed melange of vague promises, worn platitudes, and genuinely baffling committee-drafted nonsense. The original speech is here.
Here is a transcript with subtitles in italics for those who don’t speak Mayist doublespeak:
There are times in the life of a nation when the choices we make define the character of our country.
It turns out that we hate foreigners and have a non-existent grasp of the modern world.
Times when people stand up and demand real, significant change.
People were conned into thinking that our own failings are the fault of others.
This, is one of those moments.
I appear to be stuck with this shit-fest.
As we leave the European Union, we have the chance to shape a brighter future for Britain.
Look, this is appalling, and we’ll all be worse off, but what can I do?
And I believe we have the vision and the plan to do it.
I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen next.
That is why I have set out myyyy plan for Britain.
But I’m going to pretend I have a plan for Britain (despite the name of the state being the United Kingdom)
It is a plan to make the most of the opportunities ahead.
It’s not really a plan as such, more some vague ideas and platitudes to distract you from the impending act of national self-immolation. There will be no opportunities, at least not for you and your ilk.
A Plan to make Britain stronger, fairer, more united…
We’re Trump’s poodle in foreign policy now. We also cut benefits to bereaved children and the disabled, demonise half the population and ignore two of the countries of the UK (not Britain, it’s the UK).
…and more outward looking than ever before.
No foreigners will ever be allowed in the UK, but the jam market in New Zealand is massive!
It is a plan for a global Britain.
We have retreated into our shell like a mollusc confronted by a nasty European shark.
We will forge a new deep and special partnership with the EU.
We know we’ve done wrong. Please don’t hurt us. We’re cool. Brit-pop, the city. You love us. Please give us a deal. Please!!
…that gives control of our borders…
But no freedom of movement. That’s not a problem, right? Screw you if it is.
…while trading beyond Europe
Jam to the commonwealth, weapons to repressive regimes.
…shaping decisions across the globe…
Shaping decisions about when and where the White House wants us to send or not send our Foreign Minister
Working to make the world a safer place
Working to make it easier for repressive regimes to violently suppress opposition.
It is a plan for a stronger economy
As I said, it’s not really a plan as such.
Where everyone plays by the same rules.
We will not accept EU rules or standards, or ECJ jurisdiction.
So we will fix broken consumer markets so people keep more of their money
I realise this makes no sense. There was an internal disagreement about his part of the text, and this is the rather unsatisfactory compromise that emerged.
And we will crack down on individuals and businesses that abuse the system.
You might not even know what you’ve done wrong, but, trust us, we are coming for you. Yes, you.
And we will deliver a modern industrial strategy…
[Note, find way to include the words ‘industrial strategy’ here. Maybe also use the word modern. That polls well.]
That spreads prosperity across the country…
We know that you know that we don’t believe this, but you’ve fallen for it before, so you might again.
…while continuing to bring the deficit down…
More austerity. That’s what we need. More austerity. Probably won’t reduce the deficit, but, still, more austerity.
So we live within our means
Your means are going be significantly reduced for at least a decade
It is a plan for a fairer society…
We are working on dividing society into clearly delineated groups, and openly victimising the some of them.
…where success is based on merit, not privilege
In the unlikely event of anything we could possible call success happening, you, normal folk, won’t see bit of it.
So we will provide a good school place for every child.
We will use schools and their pupils to hunt down immigrant families.
Deliver more affordable homes
The deportations will help to ease pressure on housing stock.
…and put record investment into the NHS…
We will privatise the NHS
…and we will make sure we have a welfare system…
We will not have a welfare system
…that rewards work…
Wages will be the only possible source of income. If you are unemployed, or the wages are not enough, you will have to go to the new Group 4 poor houses.
…as well as tackling historic injustices like racial and gender discrimination…
(Note: put something in here about racial and gender discrimination so that our supporters have something to use when they are accused of promoting racial and gender discrimination)
…and it is a plan for a united nation…
We will not surrender our colonial possessions such as Scotland. (Sheesh, will this sentence ever end? I’m trying to imply semi-colons in the delivery, but it is still very lengthy.)
…that our children and grandchildren will be proud to call home.
Our children and grandchildren will not be permitted to travel abroad. We will make sure that all they know is this place, and teach them to fear the other.
We will strengthen and protect the precious union of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
What Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish people want is a total irrelevancy to us. England owns them, and we will make them do as they are told. The savages.
While acting for the benefit of all the cities, towns, villages and communities across the country.
We have a list of where voted leave and where voted remain. Traitorous Remain voting areas have officially ceased to exist as far as we are concerned. We are concerned only with patriotic Leave voting areas. Unless they are in the North, then they can fuck off as well.
That is my plan for Britain
I have no plan, and I absolutely refuse to refer to the state of which I am the Prime Minister by its correct name because ‘Britain’ poll’s much better among the Leave demographic.
A plan to get the right deal for Britain abroad…
The people I am real speaking to believe that ‘Abroad’ is a totally homogeneous place, full of disgusting foreigners desperate to buy our jam and guns.
And a better deal for ordinary working people at home…
You are, on average, going to earn a lot less, but, on the bright side, things will be more expensive. If you cannot work, you will be blamed for the above.
…to make the most of the opportunities ahead…
There is literally no upside to all this. Zero.
…and to make Britain a country that works for everyone.
MUST NOT SAY UK. MUST NOT SAY UK.
Not just a privileged few
The only people who will benefit are already vastly wealthy. Now get back to fucking work and do as you’re told.